what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
