Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
