Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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