On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
