Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
