I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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