Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
