Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
