the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
