is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
