Tell her she can't have a vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
