Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
