he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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