new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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