I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
