Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
