when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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