The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
