I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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