I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
