Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
