I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
