so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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