My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
