meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
