apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
