he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
