i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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