Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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