whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
