well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
