I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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