totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
