hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
