I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
