I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
