Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Semen is not good for contacts.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
