Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
