mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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