How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
