someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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