i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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