Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
