I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
