He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
