Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
