I just made out with a guy for $7.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
