I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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