Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
