Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
