This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
In America we eat man semen.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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