i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
