So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
