hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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