I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
