my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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