...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
