I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
