this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
